I haven’t taken the time to sit down and write anything in a long time. My last post was April of 2016 and it was pretty awesome; in my opinion of course. If you haven’t read that head over to My Two Dads and give it skim or heck maybe even a full read through.
So why am I back online typing away expressing myself to a small audience who may or may not even read what I have to say…? Easy, I’ve made a huge mistake and I’m heartbroken about it. Yes, that’s right, this will not be the “awesome” post I would like to write, but I felt like it was a must for myself and those who it affects.
2017 was a difficult year for me and not really in a positive way with a few exceptions. Just like the Liotta family gene pool, I’ll try to keep this short. The year started out well and by well I mean I pretty much had it all. A good job, friends, money in my savings, debt free, food on the table, car to drive and a beautiful girlfriend who loved me unconditionally. As the days quickly past though I found myself increasingly unhappy. Unhappy with myself because I had everything I wanted in the moment except for something more. I craved more responsibility from my job and was even taken back when I thought to myself “You idiot, use your degree!”. I let those thoughts simmer like a beef stew with hearty potatoes, carrots, and celery…mmmm that sounds delicious; BRB gotta turn on the crockpot. I love my job and everything I do day in and day out. One of the best parts about my employer is how well they encourage a work/life balance. If we’re being honest I’d say I’ve always had a difficult time with that. I hardly ever call out of work unless I absolutely have to and I never take a vacation which at this point is well needed and deserved. I’ve worked myself to a point where outside of work that’s all I could think about. I thought about my next steps and how I can achieve my goals. I thought about how long it was taking me and I was afraid it was never going to happen. I was afraid I was never going to get the opportunity to do something more. By the end of 2017, I’m happy to say I got there. I achieved something that I thought I’d never get or not get anytime soon at least. I think it’s important to note that no matter how bad I felt I never brought any negativity into the workplace. Every day I went to work excited to be there because I love what I do, my employer and work family. Unfortunately though, during the process of achieving my goals, I’ve, well, made a huge mistake.
This past year I was so lost, confused and had no idea what I was doing. So much so it cost me my relationship with someone who tried so hard to keep us together. Because I couldn’t escape from all my negative thoughts I ended up pushing myself away from her and in a direction that led me here today. I felt like I was wasting her time and she could find someone better who would give her the time and attention she deserved. During this time I found myself gravitating towards my past and old feelings that I had. Feelings that affected our relationship even further to the point that everything felt like a lie. It only took seven months until my self-destructing behaving capsized our relationship. I didn’t treat her fairly and just like that she was gone. Since then I tried to limit the past and work on a better me for her. That deemed to be a foolish mistake. I was selfish to believe she’d wait for me to get it together and soon everything would go back to normal, but that isn’t the case. She did exactly that. She moved on.
The irony here is that I spent the past 5 months working on myself for her. Piecing everything out meticulously to the point I wanted to reach out to her and talk about us. Unfortunately, before I had the chance to do so she reached out to me and told me she was seeing someone else. I respect that she told me before I found out from another source, but either way it still hurts. All I ever wanted was for her to be happy and she appears to be happy without me in her life and that’s ok. As heartbroken as I am she is happy and that’s what is important.
In the short amount of time, I learned a lot about myself. I also learned that depression is a life-crushing abyss that should be taken seriously. Somethings I learned:
- Talk to someone – I know the concept is simple, but when feeling down and in the gutter talking to someone can be extremely difficult. If you have someone by your side please use your words the best you can and just talk to them. Something I wish I had done.
- Take advantage of benefits – At a point, I figured I needed help from an expert. My employer offers amazing benefits online and over the phone that really does help. If you’re unsure if you have these benefits from work I suggest looking into it. It could save your life.
- Don’t be afraid to take chances – During the past 5 months I took some chances and roll some dice I probably shouldn’t have, but that’s ok. I now have a better understanding where I want to be in the next few years and how I can get there.
- Be honest and stay true to yourself – I reached out to a friend who gave me praise for recognizing that I needed/wanted to work on myself and that was reassuring that I did the right thing.
- Stay strong – Times are gonna suck. Right now I’m at my lowest point. Feeling like shit because I waited too long. All I can do now is continue pushing forward and look towards a much brighter tomorrow.
I don’t know what the future holds for me, but now at least I find myself in a better position. As broken as I feel I just need to find the glue to piece it all back together again. If she and I are meant to be then maybe we will find each other again. If not then I’m extremely fortunate to have had that part of my life.
This post is by far the hardest I have written. They say time is the only healer and for the life of me I hope that isn’t right…
Until next time. Stay hungry. Stay awesome.
PJ
